You Wake Up and Realize

I find myself another mistake behind me, a faithless hope ahead of me, and another memory I'de rather forget that will stay with me for the rest of my life.  But then I realize that it's not that simple. What about the fact that I've done this before, or the fact that I don't have enough self-control to stop it from happening again? What happens when I let my guard down, when my emotions are in turmoil and my judgement...somewhere else?  One would think that after it has, never, worked, that I would learn my lesson, that I would know to avoid it. But there's this strange complex that possesses us to live in the moment, follow your heart--correction: follow your stupid impulse hormone-induced brain chemistry--that we are somehow inabled to do what we want when we want to, as though that strong tower of moral-driven wants was never built, never existed; is lying in rubble, because I just tore it down with that one action, and before it can lay the first brick of rebuilding, I go and do it again. So every time, I say to myself, I'm done with it, moving on, turning a new leaf; refocusing on the plan I had for myself, the standards I set for myself. The hard truth is that I've scared to death. I'm so scared that I've come to believe that my expectations are fantasy and my aspirations are mere mind-lapses. I put so much faith is this thing, that I convince myself, in the sick way that people are able to disregard reality, that it's worth all the trouble. And I've focused so much energy on this thing, that I've completely missed the most beautiful process of all: life, happening all around me. I've missed better opportunities, healthier choices, because this thing made me believe that I was spending my time well involving myself with it. And then one has to wonder that faith has lost its meaning when the result of it leaves me miserable. It's because it's not faith; it's investment, but it's not faith. Because faith is a magnificant idea that involves a person believing what they cannot see, because they feel what they cannot see. If I felt anything from these mistakes, it was doubt, which is the exact opposite of faith, it's what faith destroys. So if I were to look back on it, I've been putting my faith in the wrong things, things that hurt instead of heal. All I can do from here, and for the rest of my life, in the midst, in fact, at the center of my mistakes, is TRUST that the one "thing" that deserves faith, will protect me, will lead me, will give me joy and true fullfillment. I am forgiven and saved from worrying about these mistakes for the rest of my life. The memory may remain, but the burden is erased. Every day is learning and growing into...me.